Dear Apartment Manager,
I just recieved my "deposit reconciliation" in the mail, and I use quotes because I believe I am being snarky even though, in this case, the quotes make absolutely no sense. I am besieged with vexation, because I enjoy using the thesaurus, about the cleaning and trash removal charges. Apparently, you have never heard of Proposition 13, which doesn't pertain to this situation at all, but I think I will scare you with my Google legal degree, and do not understand the ramifications of unlawfully holding a security deposit. According to my lawyer, who doesn't exist, I should be returned my FULL deposit. What I left behind was not "trash", since when is a Iron Gym trash? Since when is a computer screen from 1992 and a flower pinata considered trash? And the German Phrases For Dummies, I supposed that is considered trash, and if so, then I think my pretend lawyer would be happy to know that you are a racist as well as a slumlord. It takes a lot of presumption to charge me for cleaning when I lived in that dump of an "apartment" for over a year. The paint was peeling, the bathtub was dirty when I moved in, and the conditions were almost unlivable, even though I never complained about it once during my tenancy, and I am clearly pulling stuff out of my butt at this point. I expect to be refunded the remaining balance of my deposit within the next 48 hours, otherwise I will be forced to see you in small claims court, even though once I get there I will realize it cost more to file a claim then what I am owed by you, and then I will probably just go get a sandwich instead.
First Name, Middle initial, Last Name