Oh these kids today! Saving youth from the embarassing job interview

Oh these kids today! Young people, please take note. You may be perfectly lovely on the inside, but everything on the outside is telling me to “pass”.

Everyone in this business can tell the tales of when it was so easy to find great people, they were just coming out of the woodwork. There have been other times when we hired anybody because it was just that busy. But these past few years have seen an interesting phenomenon  - young people who need jobs but seem to be woefully unprepared as to how to go about securing them. From nonexistent or ridiculously bad resumes to the applicant with flip flops, many of these faux pas would seem to be self-evident. But to a 20-something, apparently they aren’t. So here is just a quick run down to help you or your friends ace that next interview. It could also provide a nice checklist to determine what may have gone wrong.

If you have to decide which of your piercings may be a bit too much for the interview, I probably won’t hire you.

If your hair is twisted up on your head in a style that could probably be duplicated in less than 20 seconds, I won’t hire you.

If you wear your hair in dreadlocks, even though you don’t currently work in a Bob Marley cover band or for the importers of Red Stripe beer, I won’t hire you.

If you apply cologne in a quantity that makes me wonder if you accidentally broke the bottle on the bathroom sink, I won’t hire you.

If you cannot finish three sentences without using “like” six times, I won’t hire you.

If your resume is on scented paper, I won’t hire you.

If you walk into an interview reeking of smoke, or a specially fragrant kind of smoke, I won’t hire you.

If your resume is folded into quarters, I won’t hire you.

If your application has multiple directives to “see resume”, meaning you can’t follow simple instructions and place the information in the correct box, I won’t hire you.

If when asked about a possible mistake on your resume your response is “oopsies” or “my bad”, I won’t hire you. And shouldn’t you need a hall pass to leave your 7^th grade gym class?

If you have obtained a skin color through the use of tanning beds that falls somewhere between John Boehner and the actual color of the sun, I won’t hire you.

If your resume has more than one reference to your fraternity or sorority, really – who will hire you?

If you reply to a text message during our interview, even if I am taking a moment to read your resume, I won't hire you.

If you flick your cigarette onto the sidewalk as you take your last puff and pull open the leasing office door, I won’t hire you. And yes, I saw that.

If you have black fingernail polish, I won’t hire you. If you have black fingernail polish and are a guy, nobody will hire you. Oh wait, maybe the Virgin Megastore. Nope, I checked – not even them.

And yes, if you wear flip flops to the interview, even if you are applying for a life guard position, I won’t hire you. I mean, really. Would you hire you?

Think these statements are mean, discriminatory or even possibly illegal? Go ahead, try to sue me. Find in federal or state employment law where being sloppy, unprofessional, unclean, unprepared, uninformed or any of it is protected. Let me save you the time – these aren’t. Neither is being in your 20’s a license to make mistakes that your parents and common sense should have taught you. It is time to grow up kids, you are competing in a highly competitive job market. You need to up your game. Be prepared. Go beyond. That is what we will expect of you in our workplace. That is how you will succeed in your new career. Is it really so much to ask for you to put that effort into your interview?

Christopher Higgins is The Apartment Guy, a  professional speaker, consultant and owner of multifamily properties in 6 states and 2 Canadian provinces. Having hired dozens and passed on hundreds of applicants for all levels of property management and sales, he knows how to weed 'em out quickly and get the best. For more, visit www.theapartmentguy.net.