A friend of mine recently decided to go back to school to get her administrative license to become a principal. The other day, she comes to me, tears nearly running down her face from laughter, and she hands me one of her text books. Right there, on page 63, were the following words. I’m not kidding about this:

Behavior can be stated in the form of the equation B=f(R x P), where B is the observed behavior, f is function, R is a given institutional role defined by the expectations attached to it, and P is the personality of the role player defined by his need-dispositions.

Goodness gracious! I had no idea. I mean, here we are, trying to figure out a way to understand human behavior in such a manner so as to maximize our company’s potential, when the solution to marketing has been on page 63 the entire time!!! Now that the secret is out, I wonder what’s going to happen next. Just imagine the possibilities of what we can accomplish now that we know the mathematical formula governing all human interaction…

So after this enlightening experience, I got to thinking. If human behavior can be quantified using a mathematical theorem, how does this translate to the multi family industry? Shouldn’t we have our own equation which could unlock the mysteries of apartment leasing? Well, wait no more! I’ve solved the problem and have figured out—finally—a sure-fire means to forecast people’s every leasing move. Take down the billboards, cancel the radio spot, shut down the websites. Here we go.

Leasing can be stated in the form of the equation L=d(U x M)/B, where L is the resulting lease, d is the number of days spent listening to people tell you how to do something you already know how to do, U is the utter futility of attempting to confine human behavior to an equation, M is the monetary compensation for the people who create programs that attempt to confine human behavior to an equation, and B is the behavior that can’t be confined to an equation. 

For the more visual learners, I’ve mapped out my equation in more graphic terms: Now that we know precisely how human behavior works, we can systematically modify our craft so that we never lose a sale, always have 100% occupancy, and can virtually lay-off all leasing consultants because, really, the apartments will lease themselves! There’s no longer any need for people to get in the way…too much risk, I’d say.

We’ll never have to adapt, never have to create, never have to make any sort of decisions; heck, we’ll never have to experience any kind of uncertainty because the solutions are all there in the equation. The days of curiosity and creativity are over. Praise logic!

For my friend who wants to be a principal, I really do envy her; after all, since she has the equation for human behavior at her fingertips, I’m sure life as an administrator will be pretty easy: especially without having to worry about all those pesky little unforeseen variables that stem from being human.